Response to Philip Larkin

Your children fuck you up. They do
exactly what they want to do
and while you’re shouting ‘don’t do that!’
their finger’s in the boiling fat
and social workers, neighbours too,
are blaming everything on you.

When God arranged your dual vision,
(ideal for watching television),
he didn’t see the bigger picture;
that raising kids requires a mixture
of three sixty compound focals
and instant access to your vocals.

And yet, you’re not allowed to put
them on a leash or nail their foot
into the ground, so when you go
out of the room you always know
exactly where they are and what
they’re shoving in the video slot,

(jam when they’re four – at fourteen, porn).

From the very day they’re born,
for every misdemeanour wrought,
make no mistake, it's all your fault.
What your mother said was true.
Kids fuck you up. That’s what they do.